Raising kids the Carol Todd way – Part One

Hello folks! Today, in the interest of unbiased balance, I have passed my blog over to a new guest writer, who wants to remain anonymous. But I think we can guess who she is, can’t we, readers? So without further ado, here are her views:

Well, it looks like my friend Philip reckons he knows it all. After I’ve given you the benefit of my wisdom, I think you’ll find he does NOT. After all, most of Canada now knows I am the world’s expert on childcare. Let’s just show you some of his ridiculous views, and how easily I contradict them.

Encouraging Excellence in Your Child

Philip Rose says: If your child shows an interest in, say, learning to play the piano, gently encourage this. Most of us know that kids will be interested in millions of things, so don’t go overboard – chances are that two weeks later they’ll want to be an astronaut. But don’t ignore it. Find out what you can about piano playing, and maybe pay for a few lessons. If they persevere, then try to get them a piano – who knows? They might be the next Liberace.  Or if that’s a worry, then maybe another Mozart.

I say: nonsense. If your child shows an interest in playing the piano, get them the world’s best piano immediately, because that shows how much you love them. Get a piano teacher, and gently warn them that you are expecting a symphony by the end of the week. For best results, wire up your child so that if any wrong notes are played, they get an electric shock. Mains electricity works best, but a milder 12 volt battery can have the same effect. If your child should, for any reason, lose interest, make sure that they are aware that they have been a huge disappointment to the entire family, that you have spent a huge amount of money on them, but you will try to love them. This will inspire them to do better next time.

Children and Academic Activity.

Philip Rose says: if your child has done his of her best, it doesn’t really matter if they get Cs or Ds. If you’re worried by it, talk to them gently and see if they are having any problems – there might be things like dyslexia to worry about, or they may be worried about something and not concentrating. Have a word with the teachers. Find out what they are best at – maybe they hate the idea of maths or English, and just want to do something like carpentry or art work. Just make sure they are happy. Better to be kind and thoughtful with Cs and Ds, than a complete git with straight As.

I say: again, complete nonsense. Cs and Ds are shameful. You’re never going to be President with Cs and Ds, unless your surname’s Bush. If your child is a failure – and let’s not mince words here, they ARE a failure – then let them know about it. I have a motto: ‘Don’t take the blame, spread the shame!’ Let your child know that there can be no love for a child based on what they are as a person – grades are everything.

Early Childhood Development

Philip Rose says: This is difficult. If I had my way, kids would stay kids forever. But you can’t fail if you nurture them through love and kindness. As they grow more independent, warn them of the dangers out there in the big wide world, but most of all let them know that, whatever happens, you will be there to protect them and pick up the pieces, whatever happens.

I say: the extent of this man’s balderdash is unimaginable. Love and kindness? When did that ever work? I never had it and look at me – widely loved and applauded for my deep and meaningful insights. Let’s get this straight: as early as possible, teach your kids that there’s no such thing as Father Christmas or the Tooth Fairy. They will thank you for this information. As soon as they understand that (around the age of 5 or 6, I would say), tell them about all the misery and woe in the world. If your child finds it difficult to cope with the concepts of suicide, rape, murder, wars and starvation, then you’ve obviously raised them wrong. But whatever you do, don’t tell them about the perils of the Internet. Give them free rein to get into trouble, then when they do, tell them they have brought shame on the family and are a disgrace, buy them lots of presents in case they don’t like you for saying it, then tell them you’re a cool mom and you won’t stop them from doing what they like. When they do it again, repeat the process until they learn. It works wonders, and I think my results prove the point.

Teens and Drugs and Alcohol.

Philip Rose says: Another difficult problem. Everyone knows that the more you tell a kid not to do something, the more they will want to do it. And everyone knows that if you don’t tell a child not to do something, they will do it. So what can you do? Make sure they know all about the risks, and that it’s not wise. Tell them – yet again – that if they do get into trouble, you will be there to pick up the pieces. BUT – and it’s a big BUT, if you’ll pardon the expression – set them boundaries. If they get drunk or take drugs once, tell them that they will be grounded for a month with no pocket money if they do it again. If they do it again, carry out the promise. Give them the old spiel of ‘You can do whatever you want when you’re eighteen, but not now’. If they continue to get drunk or take drugs, take away something they like doing, or consider cutting their ties to any bad influences. But don’t get too harsh. Everything has a reason – are they troubled? are they worried? Maybe get in touch with some sort of counsellor. But don’t let them get away with it!

I say: Geez! That Philip Rose is dumb. Everyone knows that if you punish a child, they won’t love you any more. Simple as that! Do you want your child to hate you when you’re protecting them? No. Of course not. My advice – which is, as we know, the best in the world – is to let your kids do whatever they want. And when they get in to trouble? As a parent, I can say this: blame everyone else on the planet. Everyone knows that everything is someone else’s fault. If there’s one thing I’m proud of teaching my children, it’s that. The fact that one of my children committed suicide was everyone else’s fault, so I think I’ve proved my point.

Philip is telling me that this post is too long. So I will be back tomorrow with more words of parenting wisdom. Stay tuned – you’ll learn a lot.


One thought on “Raising kids the Carol Todd way – Part One

  1. “You’re never going to be President with Cs and Ds, unless your surname’s Bush.”

    The above statement is true, and even moreso if you fail and have to repeat classes at University, in which case you’ll have to settle for being the governor of a place like Texas. Earning a D in Economics is a firm foundation upon which to build a political philosophy that you can make your state great by starving it to death whilst feeding its meals to your corporate cronies.

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