Parenting the Carol Todd Way – Part Two

Well, I’ve allowed my anonymous contributor to continue with her words of wisdom today. Maybe one day we’ll find out who it is.

What to do if you Child is Victim of a Tragedy

Philip Rose says: No-one likes to think of tragedies, especially if it concerns your own child. But it does happen, and when it does, the grief takes hold of you like no other grief can. There are not many words that can describe all the feelings involved, and it is very often best simply to remember them – how good they were – and cherish the time you had with them.

I say: Rubbish! Grief is for namby pamby idiots. I say ‘Milk it’, especially if your child just happens to be lucky enough to be notorious. What does it matter if her name is dragged through the mud by hundreds of people, and her videos are spread far and wide? Any publicity is good publicity. I was fortunate enough to get worldwide fame – just because I let my vulnerable daughter run wild until she killed herself. But was I going to let it get to me? Not at all. I was over the moon to find out that Amanda was the eighth most Googled subject in the world. Other mothers would have collapsed under the strain, but I immediately made an entry into my blog, and wrote a note to myself: ‘There’s fame and fortune here’. I’ve already told my followers – I feel like the mother of a rockstar. How good is that? So turn that frown upside down. Every cloud has a silver lining. And if you’re lucky, you can hook up your tragedy to whatever passing fad is current at the time. I was lucky enough to catch the anti-bullying bandwagon, and I have since then managed to link it to Rehteah Parsons and virtually every other tragedy that happens to any young girl. And soon, I’m off on an all-expenses paid holiday (ooops…I meant important journey) to Las Vegas. So come on all you gloomy people out there, do something positive. No point in moping around.

Children and the Dangers of the Internet.

Philip Rose says: I can’t tell you enough about the dangers of the Internet and all the social media that we are surrounded by. In an instant, your child can be in a world where no-one should want to go. In a moment’s lapse, they can fall prey to all sorts of evil shenanigans. In the blink of an eye, they can find out about things that they just can’t cope with at their age. Be educated; be vigilant. Protect your children.

I say: Dangers, schmangers. When my daughter had been busy – how can one put it? – expressing her individuality online and the cops came round, I was flabbergasted. Why should they interfere with what’s going on? My daughter had the right to go on webcam and expose herself to hundreds of dirty old men. We fobbed them off with a good story – that she had been in some way forced to do it. That got her and me off the hook, I can tell you. LOL. The Internet is totally safe, I can vouch for that. When Amanda’s video ended up on the porn site, there was only one thing I could do – buy Amanda a new laptop and iPhone and give her even more unfettered access to social media. Heck, I even made it a social occasion when there were friends of hers involved. That way, it was very likely that she would learn her lesson, and nobody would ever hear of it again. The fact that it got worse has nothing to do with me. But after all – stripping and masturbating online is what every girl does, surely?  The fact that there are evil people and perverts out there isn’t my fault. If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a parent – nothing was ever my fault.

Children and Underage Sex

Philip Rose says: Another awkward problem. When is your child really ready for a sexual relationship? When is anybody ready for a sexual relationship? Like I’ve said before, it’s all about nurture and education. Encourage your child to wait a while, to take things slowly. Show them that love is not about sex – there’s more to it than that. Teach them that they, and their bodies, are things to be treated with respect, but on the other hand, make sure they know that sexual feelings should not make people feel ashamed.

I say: baloney! Every kid over the age of 12 is doing it, so why bother to try and stop it? Another of my phrases of wisdom: ‘If they do it, just pooh-pooh it’. But remember – if they do get caught out by it, always be ready to pour scorn and criticism on their heads. It’s much better just to sit back, cross your fingers and hope that nothing bad will happen, and then when something bad does happen, simply tell your child that they are a total disgrace and that they have brought not only shame on themselves and the family, but on the ancestors as well. That’s the way I was raised, and I feel that I passed on that wisdom properly. The facts speak for themselves.

What to do if Your Child is up to No Good

Philip Rose says: All parents will know that there will come a point when your child does something you don’t know about. It’s simply not possible to know what they are doing 24 hours a day. With any luck, whatever they are doing will be relatively harmless, and a positive aspect of the process of growing up and learning through experience. If you do find out that you’re child is doing something wrong or risky, then act quickly, depending on circumstances.

I say: this is the easiest one to answer. If anyone tells you your child is up to risky mischief, stick your fingers in your ears and shout ‘Hullabaloo, hullabaloo’ until they go away. If anyone shows you pictures of your child’s mischief, cover your eyes and say ‘Hullabaloo, hullabaloo’ until they go away. And if anyone writes that you or your child are mischief-makers, get loads of people to send him hate-mail, get your friends to call him Satan, Belial, or Beelzebub, get your supporters to threaten him with death and violence. That way, everyone will forget that you’re a total bitch.

Well, I would like to thank my anonymous contributor for all those words of wisdom. I think she’s said quite enough for now, but I hope it has provided a sensible and useful resource for those parents at a loss about having to actually make an effort to care for their children. You know, in the words of my anonymous contributor – you don’t need to if you don’t want to. I expect that makes you feel a lot better!

One thought on “Parenting the Carol Todd Way – Part Two

  1. Hullabaloo? Seriously? You have longings to age-regress and be a student at Texas A&M? (If that doesn’t mean anything to you, look up their fight song.)

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