Good morning, good morning, good morning!
First – only music today. This justs sets up a certain person in the USA for a good day, I hope. Chime, baby, sublime chime, and have a good time. Hang on a minute. I had just gone back in time about 20 years. I have returned now.
We’re back to a short story today, as I’m not sure about my next entry. I had planned to write about……wait for it………NORM!!!!
It’s high time I wrote about him, but he’s stayed under the radar. I was going to call it ‘Norman Todd and Laura Lumpkins, what a couple of country bumpkins’. Or ‘Norman, the slack-jawed yokel’. He’s a man, that Norman. He put the ‘man’ in Norman. Just not the ‘norm’, unfortunately. What was it with him and teachers, that’s what I would like to know. I’m guessing that it’s that old thing – frumpy boring woman left on the shelf, goes for earthy Neanderthal type who looks OK, but can’t carry a conversation beyond a few grunts. Swotty types going for a bit of rough? Attractive at first, but very wearisome. And like most men of his type – when confronted with female problems – SHOUT! Dang it, there ain’t nuthin’ that cain’t be fixed with a fist!
Genetically, it was a dreadful mix – a dimwit a few peanuts short of a Snickers bar and a mad woman, full of unfulfilled narcissism. Doomed! But that’s for tomorrow or later on in the week. Unless someone says ‘stahp’! LOL.
So a story:
I was in the habit of driving my stepson about like a taxi driver, as usually happens in their teens. But it was OK – we would put some banging choons on and cruise a bit.
Well, being a responsible stepfather, I felt it my duty to teach him how to approach the fairer sex in the right way. If we saw a young, attractive lady with a short skirt or just looking plain hot, I would slow down, toot the car horn, and he would wave and smile. Occasionally, I might also smile and wave, depending on the age of the woman who was gaining our admiration. But in my defence, I never taught him to say ‘Oi, munter’ if we saw a female who we thought unworthy of our attention. I have respect for women. What better way to share experiences?
One day, we were driving along, but it was slightly different. He was riding shotgun as usual, but the ‘Bat out of Hell’ was in the back seat. It all went well until we stopped at a pedestrian crossing. This gawjus girl – absolutely gawjus – crossed in front of us.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ said the lad innocently.
‘Umm…I don’t know what you mean’, say I.
‘Well, usually you would toot the horn and we would wave at her’
‘Errrr…no….no I wouldn’t..’ say I.
‘Come off it. You ALWAYS do!’
I can feel my heart tightening. My throat goes dry.
‘What do you always do?’ comes the voice from the Bat in the back.
‘Ummm….nothing’. She taps the lad on his shoulder. ‘What does he always do?’
At this point, with the benefit of hindsight, it might have been better to crash the car, or to have simply jumped out the door without stopping.
‘Well’ says the lad ‘Whenever we see a fit bird, he toots the horn’
‘Oh I see’ says Bat. Women are like elephants. Not just huge, fat, smelly and grey, but they never forget. Somehow or other, I knew that we hadn’t heard the last of it.