Close followers of the Todd story will know why I picked today’s video, but for those who don’t know, Carol Todd is in Las Vegas on her ‘I’m a Rock Star Mom’ world tour. Somehow, it seems fitting that she’s in a place renowned for its sordidness.
Well…Elvis, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston and Lord Lucan were round my house last week, and we were discussing what to do with this blog. We were talking about just how incredible the Amanda Todd story is, when the door bell rang. It was our old friend, Neil Armstrong. Michael did a moon walk. Neil hates it when he does that. It’s sort of taking the mickey, and it’s quite rude.
‘You know what?’ said Neil. ‘I might not have actually walked on the moon, but Philip – your blog at least tells the truth, even if no-one believes it’. We laughed.
‘You’re BAD’ interjected Michael. ‘People think you are a SMOOTH CRIMINAL, but I think you’re a bit OFF THE WALL. It’s all been a THRILLER’.
‘That’s enough of that, Michael’ I replied. ‘It’s a good job I JUST CAN’T STOP LOVING YOU’.
‘DON’T BE CRUEL’ said Elvis. ‘We have SUSPICIOUS MINDS, so don’t have a WOODEN HEART. We ought to have A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION. Some people think YOU’RE THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE. So tell us your conclusion. IT’S NOW OR NEVER.’
‘It’s been one small blog for a man, a giant sleep for mankind’ said Neil sarcastically.
‘Shut your face, Neil’ I replied wittily. ‘Giant steps are what you DIDN’T take, walking on the moon.’
‘Anyone for a game of cards?’ asked Lucky Lucan.
So, before I regaled them with my conclusions, we got the drinks sorted – half a gallon of milkshake for Elvis, Coke for Whitney, a Slushee for Michael, sherry for Lucan, moonshine for Neil, and Rose’s lime cordial for me, of course.
Then we ordered the take-away food – a large pepperoni pizza, a large Hawaiian pizza, four portions of large fries, seven family helpings of banoffee pie (that was Elvis sorted). Michael made do with a ‘Happy Meal’; Lucan had brought his own caviar; I wanted fish and chips; Whitney just wanted some more Coke. We sent Neil round to get the orders. About half an hour later, he returned, but he wasn’t happy. Someone had mooned him at the pizzeria. That happens a LOT, he told us.
So we stuck on some background music – Wagner of course – and I began my summation.
‘Well, guys, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s all a scam’ I announced.
There was a chorus of ‘What?’ as all five of my companions expressed their surprise.
‘Tell me something new’ said Michael. ‘I was talking to Amanda on TinyChat last night. She’s such a P.Y.T. (PRETTY YOUNG THING). THE GIRL IS MINE.’
‘Michael, we all know what you get up to on TinyChat BEHIND THE MASK’ said I.
‘OK’ replied Michael. ‘Do you WANNA BE STARTIN’ SOMETHIN’?’
‘Just get on with it’ said the others.
‘Yep, it’s a scam all right’ I continued. ‘Just look at the facts. No-one on the planet would be stupid enough to allow their daughter online so much. The cops – even as dumb as the Canadian ones – would have found a stalker by now. And any mother fit to call themselves a mother would have had those videos taken down.’
‘I’m not exactly ALL SHOOK UP by what you just said, Phil’ said Elvis. ‘But what about the funeral? Surely that’s proof?’
‘Like yours?’ I replied. ‘There’s no trace of a funeral’.
‘But weren’t they CRYING IN THE CHAPEL?’ asked Elvis.
‘Nope. That was a memorial service. At a casino. Where Lucky Lucan spent most of his time.’
‘You mean to say that all those sympathy cards were marked RETURN TO SENDER?’ spluttered Elvis as he chomped his way through his second pizza.
‘Sure thing, King’.
‘So she’s not dead?’ queried Lord Lucan.
‘She’s like you, Lucky’ I replied. ‘You just a-PEER to be dead. Get it? Oh never mind!’
‘So you’re saying she’s alive?’ asked Whitney. ”So what about the coroner’s report?’
‘Houston, we have a problem’, I replied (by the way – you don’t know HOW long it took me to work that one in). ‘What coroner’s report? There hasn’t been one.’
‘I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU’ sang Whitney.
‘Well, that’s that sorted’ said Lord Lucan. ‘What’s on telly?’
‘Horrible Histories’ I excitedly replied. ‘The omnibus edition – three whole hours. Are we ready?’.
‘Can I go to the toilet?’ said Elvis.
‘I don’t know.’ I said. ‘Can you?’
We all had a good laugh. So Elvis went off to the loo, and we settled down to watch telly. Elvis missed the entire six episodes. It was a great Saturday night. It ended with Neil’s favourite video: